Super communication in our life

A rich, deep conversation is wonderful, but it rarely happens in everyday life. Instead, we often find that in conversations - whether with a partner, family, or colleague - we inadvertently engage in pointless arguments, not understanding each other.

How to avoid these pitfalls? To find out, science writer David Robson spoke with author Charles Duhigg about his new book, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Communication.

How do you define a super communicator?

I have a counter question. If you've had a bad day and you want to call a friend because you know talking to that person will make you feel better – who comes to mind?

I immediately think of one of my best friends.

So, to you, she's a super communicator, and you're probably a super communicator to her. You both know how to listen to each other in a way that really hears what the other person is saying. And you know how to show that you're listening. You know how to ask the right questions that really make you understand something about yourself, and she's showing you that she wants to be around you.

Some people do it all the time. They can communicate with almost anyone. And these people are consistent super communicators. When I started this book, I thought these people must be very charismatic or extroverted. But it turns out that it's just a set of skills or tools that anyone can learn.

What does neuroscience tell us about the secrets of good communication?

When people communicate with each other, their bodies and brains engage in this process. The pupils of the eyes begin to dilate at almost the same rate, the rhythm of breathing begins to coincide. And most importantly, the neural activity becomes increasingly similar, as they begin to think alike.

The essence of communication is that I can describe a feeling, an emotion, or an experience of an idea, and you will experience some version of that. Our brains are becoming more and more similar.

In your book, you cite a remarkable study by neuroscientist Bo Sievers that shows how supercommunicators change group dynamics.

It's really fascinating. He put people in groups and asked them to discuss some confusing video clips. He found that in some groups, people came together and made connections with each other, and their responses were much better.

Each of these groups had at least one person who was a supercommunicator. They asked 10 to 20 times more questions than the average person. Some of their questions invited other people into a dialogue, while others allowed them to reveal something meaningful about themselves. These participants also picked up on other people's playfulness or seriousness.

Most importantly, they realized that there are different types of conversations. Most of us think of a discussion as being about one subject – for example, we talk about my day at work or my child’s grades.

But in reality, every discussion is made up of different kinds of conversations, and most of them fall into one of three groups.

There are practical conversations, where we make plans or solve problems. There are emotional conversations, where I tell you how I feel and I want you to listen and empathize. And then there are social conversations, which demonstrate our social identities and how we relate to each other.

Sievers found that supercommunicators are so effective because they pay attention to what kind of conversation is going on. And then they make sure everyone is having the same conversation at the same time.

This reminds me of psychologist Anita Williams Woolley's research on collective intelligence, which found that how well team members solve problems together is determined by their individual social sensitivity.

Absolutely. Social sensitivity, or empathy, really means that you simply pay attention to what the other person is telling you, what they need right now, and what kind of conversation they want to have.

You argue that we should ask more “deep” questions. Why?

Deep questions ask a person about their values, beliefs, or experiences. When we talk about these things, we talk about who we really are. And these kinds of questions are very easy to ask, aren't they?

If you are talking to a doctor, you might ask, “Why did you decide to go to medical school?” or “What do you like about practicing medicine?”

And these are deep questions because they invite the other person to tell us something real and meaningful about themselves. And after asking such a question, it is easier for us to tell in response why we chose our job.

Well, then I want to ask you a profound question. What personal experience inspired you to write “Supercommunicators”?

I was a manager at the time – and I was a terrible manager. I was good at strategy and logistics, but not at communication.

And it also affected my communication with my wife when I would come home after a long day at work and start complaining about my boss and my colleagues.

And she quite sensibly suggested something like, “Why don’t you invite your boss to lunch so you can get to know each other better?”

And instead of listening to her, I got even more upset. And that, in turn, upset her – because I was suddenly yelling at her just for giving me advice.

When I told the researchers about this, they said that I was trying to have an emotional conversation, and my wife was trying to have a practical conversation. And if you're not having the same conversation at the same time, you're not going to hear each other and you're not going to connect.

In psychology, this is called the principle of agreement: true communication requires you to have the same type of conversation.

What is the role of nonverbal communication?

We know that about 50% of how we send signals and receive information during a conversation is not related to the content of the words, but to everything that surrounds them: tone of voice, rate of speech, body language, facial expressions. Our brains have the ability to determine people's feelings by paying attention to two things: their energy and mood.

Toddlers can pick up on their parents' moods before they can speak or understand words. But as we get older, words become so captivating, so informative, that we lose sight of everything else, and sometimes we have to remind ourselves of this.

In your book, you illustrated this with the sitcom “The Big Bang Theory.”.

The Big Bang Theory was initially a complete failure, and the reason for its success was that the writers figured out how to make the characters express their feelings without words.

His characters are physicists who are very bad at communicating their emotions or feelings. That's the humor in it - they're so clumsy it's funny. But the problem is, how do you write a sitcom when your main characters can't communicate what they're feeling or thinking?

After the flop of the pilot episode, the writers came up with a new recipe in which each character shows how they feel through their mood and energy. So in the new pilot, there's a scene where two physicists meet a beautiful woman named Penny for the first time, and all they can say is "Hello," "hello," "hello.".

But every time they say "hello," they say it differently. They change their mood, they change their energy, and suddenly you know exactly what they're feeling. First they're excited, then they're really embarrassed, then they need to rest, even though the word remains the same.

It's because their mood and energy change that we, as viewers, know what they're thinking and feeling. And the same goes for any conversation in real life.

How has writing a book about supercommunication changed your life?

Now, at the beginning of almost every conversation, my wife and I decide what kind of conversation we want to have. Liz will say something like, “Do you want me to help you solve this problem? Or do you just need to talk and get it out?” And I do the same. And then we show each other that we’re really listening by asking follow-up questions or repeating back what the other person said.

Most importantly, we're simply showing and telling each other that we want to connect. Because when we know that someone wants to connect with us, we start wanting to connect with them in return.